Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Caps v Pens (Jan 11)

Tonight is a special installment of Action on the Ice.  John, who goes by JMU2012 on twitter has joined the team here as a backup blogger to cover games that we can't for any given reason.  We don't normally cover NBC national games, but I thought it would be a good opportunity to introduce John to you guys.  Plus those "broadcasters" over at NBC have gone unchecked long enough!  Enjoy the running commentary from tonight's Caps victory over the Pens and come back Friday for a return to regular format. (ALSO Enjoy the stupid pictures of Milbury I dug up!)

Hey guys, my name is John and I’ll be doing your commentating coverage tonight.. We all know NBC sucks at hockey coverage, but I’m here to make fun of them anyway!

Pregame: Doc’s voice continuing to be annoying. Unlike Craig, I have never adjusted his pitch and probably never will. As we switch back to the studio, the sight of Mike Milbury in the booth causes an irresistible urge to punch something, preferably Milbury’s face. Somehow according to NBC the Penguins will have no problem in turning things around. Do they know something we don’t? Maybe they should look up what happened to that Boudreau guy. Oh, don’t forget guys, the Pens “play hard”. I hope someone plays Matt Cooke really hard into the boards tonight. Oh boy, back from commercials and it’s our hourly “Crosby update”. Did you know that the Caps have a concussed center too? At least they’re paying attention to Mike Green, and the news they delivered is very troubling. Talking about surgery? Now they’re talking about a WILD player who has a concussion. Does ANYBODY care about Nicklas Backstrom? Poor guy. Brought up that good ol’ PK stat at home, which assures that the Pens will score a power play goal tonight. Playing solid defense is “I guess what you would expect” from Dale Hunter’s team, according to Milbury. You could just HEAR the contempt dripping from his voice. Oh boy, back to Doc and co. That would have been a cool promo if it wasn’t your annoying voice. Crosby is actually WATCHING the game from the Pens box, what a trooper! I’m sure he will totally make an impact on the game from there, which is what you’re supposed to be discussing right now, Doc.

First period: The game has finally started, which means at least 60 mins of Doc. Wait, this was supposed to be a positive. Apparently Doc doesn’t know how to travel, or something. Hendricks is labeled as an “energy guy who knows what he’s supposed to do”. I’d just call him one tough son of a bitch. By the way, Hendricks totally kicked Adams’ ass there. The Caps weren’t very happy with that West Coast trip? Well YA DON’T SAY! Okay, we get the point, FLUERY CAN’T HANDLE THE PUCK, talk about what’s going on on the ice already. If our dear announcers would take a look at the standings, I think they would realize that the Caps AND Pens aren’t very happy about the way things have gone so far, so there’s no need to imply that it gives one side an edge. Doc goes to commercial reminding us there hasn’t been any minors, but there has been a fight. What about the scoring chances? Isn’t the goal to get the puck in the net? A not-so-subtle reference to Doc’s playing days and age results in an awkward chuckle and silence. Nice going. Somehow Matt Cooke’s 17 games in Washington are worth a mention as he comes on the ice. NBC just really knows what makes us tick, huh? GOAL! Chimera scores on a 3 on 1 and the VC goes nuts. Milbury of course is the one to go at Semin for missing a mostly open net. Despite causing Chimera’s goal, Malkin has had a “dominant” first period. Not that he hasn’t been good, but c’mon man. And that’s the end of the period.

1st intermission: I like how hockey players can “mute” plays. Where’s my hockey remote? They also can’t stop talking about who the Pens don’t have. Mike Green and Nicklas Backstrom, obviously, are dead to them. 

2nd period: Oh hey, now we have to relive the 2009 playoffs. And there’s Crosby! To the NBC’s credit it is the first time he’s been shown since the pregame. And then they blow it and talk about how much Crosby just being there means to them, the “moral support”. I think I’m gonna be ill. Doc is now rambling about Brooks Laich’s hometown. This is totally relevant information to this hockey game. What is relevant, however, is how both goaltenders can’t handle the puck, but we’ve already had this fact beaten into our brains already, so it’s getting annoying. Is ANYBODY surprised this is only a 1-0 game? Have you taken a look at the lack of shots on goal so far, Doc? Kennedy hits Vokoun and gets called for interference. Clearly this is the result of “trying too hard” and not “stupidity”. Some hard hitting analysis from our crew: if you win a faceoff in the offensive zone, often times you get a good shot on goal! Once again our lovable announcers going off on a tangent coming off a break that runs into game time. But that’s okay, not like there’s a game going on or anything. Doc states that there have been no giveaways by the Penguins in the game, despite the fact that the Caps goal came off a Malkin giveaway. Sometimes these guys just leave you speechless for all the wrong reasons. Apparently we are playing some “national anthem” hockey, aka between the blue lines. It would be easier to coin this phrase as “blue line” or “neutral zone” hockey, but what does Doc care about little things like that?

2nd intermission: We begin with yet again bringing up the poor ol’ Pens and ignoring Backstrom and Green. This is really getting old. Milbury has the bright idea of hoping that the Pens get a power play in order to tie up the score. Well Mike, if you were paying attention to the pregame, you would know how much teams struggle to score on the Caps PK at home. But we all know you’re not really paying attention, so whatever. 

3rd period: “The players who have a reputation of getting hits are getting them.” Doc Emrick, everybody. Ovie gets a shot and Milbury JUMPS on the fact that it’s his first shot on goal. I hate you so much Milbury. HENDRICKS HIS THE POST and Doc’s voice gets even higher pitched. My poor, poor ears. Fluery is “as big as a house” right now according to Milbury. All these missed chances to make it 2-0 are driving me insane. The Caps power play fizzles out and honestly so am I. Doc is losing his shit as Vokoun makes some fucking miracle saves. This is the Vokoun I thought we signed, welcome to the team buddy. Pens just pulled Fluery so I’m expecting Doc’s voice to get to an even higher pitch. The Caps clear the puck a final time and win! Doc is busy talking about “two points” going to the Capitals like it was an overtime game. Great ending to an overall dull hockey game.

Postgame: We begin with ANOTHER SHOT OF CROSBY IN THE BOOTH! Malkin is “maybe a little lackadaisical” on the giveway. Right. They chose Mike Knuble to interview. Pierre, you’re an idiot. Do you realize what Dale Hunter’s gameplan for EVERY game is? It sure as hell AIN’T Gabby’s version of open end to end hockey. Mike Milbury is still an idiot, and I’m getting sick of listening to him. Pierre is giving an interview and of course Milbury butts in to critique Ovie. And finally, the pain is over.

Thanks for reading this far if you did. I hope it was funny and managed to help ease the pain of having to watch the Caps on NBC. Until next time!

Written by backup blogger John, @JMU2012 (Twitter)


  1. This nicely captured the pain of having to watch this game on NBC. Next time, ease up on the Milbury photos. That would have helped ease the pain more. Four pictures of that slime bucket are four too many.